…it’s October again, leaves are coming down… one more year’s come and gone, and nothing’s changed at all… was it I, suppose to be someone, to face the thing that I’ve been running from… let me feel, I don’t care if I break down… let me fall, even if I hit the ground… and if I, cry a little, die a little, at least I know I live… just a little…
This is a song, the song sung, when my tears flow down, after so long… I told myself not to cry… coz I hate to be weak… coz I know when I cry, everything is done… but it touches my heart, as much as my soul too…
so long, it’s been so long since I talked to someone… coz I know this time I’ll have to face it alone… being strong on my own feet is what I’ve been doing, but this time, it’s too heavy for me…
The white angel never comes… I search for him…
…hei, can you hear me… I need you to listen to me…
…what… he’s behind me, with the face smiling, as usual…
…I can’t face it alone, although I know I must do it myself…I didn’t manage to finish the sentence…
…then go ahead, you can do it… just focus, ok… it’s the smile, so casual, so commercial… I knew I can’t talk anymore…
…look, you have to do this on your own… the voice is soft, but it sounded a bit cold to me…
He left…
Tonight, it’s raining outside… the heater was on, but the bed was cold, my heart was cold…
Someone knocked at the door…I opened it, and there she was, with beautiful black long dress, silky, shining, the black hair is mixed with white or silver… she has wings, black feathers, so light… her eyes are so deep, no reflection can be seen…
…hallo…
…who are you?… I trembled…
…well, I guess I’m at the right place then… she walked in, no sound… just passed through the door, like she was flying… breeze… not cold, not eerie…
…so, I see you cried…
…no I didn’t…I tried to cover myself…
…Ha Ha, you know you sucks in lying, don’t you…
the sign of tears were still on my cheeks, not dried…
I was wordless…
Silent…
The rain seemed to stop, maybe drizzling… cold wind blowing through the window slit… she was still there, sitting on my chair… I was in the bed, tears flowed down again… I can’t talk to nobody… I’m alone…
…stop crying!!…
…I wanted to!!… still flowing down…
…I thought your guardian angel should be doing this instead of me… she sniffed…
…then why are you here…face still down, my voice was breaking down…
…because I just wanna see how sarcastic you are… she smirked…
I felt worse…
He came again, doing his job to check on me… she was no longer there… but I was with tears.. still… I couldn’t stop it… it’s like a water fall, kept on coming down…
…stop being so immature…he said, with tone of disgust…
My heart broke… what did you said?…
… stop being a baby, stop crying… soft again, but more like toneless…
I was outraged… I can’t believe you just said that…
The fire burning in me… you know who I am, and how strong I have been to hold myself together, to be independent… and you are saying I am immature?!… if only you are mature enough to see beyond the surface, to understand my feeling, my reason, my situation, and my conditions that make me cry… I never cry simply and you know that…
… ya, whatever…
He was gone again…
…how sad…she smirked, at a corner in the dark…
…I know… I am sarcastic… not crying, but never been so down before…
…he said that, how dare he said that…
…you know what’s so sarcastic about you?…
… being so stupid to keep on crying?… I thought it’s the answer…
… no, being stupid to make yourself cry for things you can handle, and for a friend who makes you down…
…I trusted him, I don’t wanna loose him…
…being friend is about giving and receiving… suddenly, her voice was calm, with warmth…
…and of understanding, of being able to give, to make you happy when you are sad, to hold you up when you are down…
…I see you give, unconditionally, but there’s no return from him…
… I seek no return from him, I wanted him to be glad… I opposed…
…He, is your guardian angel…said she… and by only making you happier when you are happy is not his job… if he’s not able to give but only receive, then what’s a friend for…
Deep thought… he has been there, when I was sad… so long ago… now, he only shares my happiness, not my sadness… that when I needed him, he’ll turn his back on me…
…everything in this world goes both ways, to go and back, to give and to get…
…is it worth it to continue having him as your guardian angel, if he’s to be like that forever…
…he won’t be!!!… I shouted, but my heart had a cold chill running through it…
…it’s up to you… think about it…
Morning came… never knew when I fell asleep…
She was there… no smirk on her face… peaceful smile…
It’s been a while since I last saw such smile…somehow it gave me hope…
…look, life is tough… sometimes no one will be there to give you a hand when you fall. Everyone has had their own problems to deal with… but I truly believe a good friend will stand by you, to help you whenever you need it, in anyway they can…
…but, life is like a road, with all destinations marked on the signboard, but no directions…it’s you who decide where you are going to, and where you should make your turn… you might get lost, and that’s when people who are close to you, who care about you, guide you, lead you and accompany you to the right way…
…at the end of the day, you are still the one to decide, whether you keep on the straight way, or turn to left or right; to make a u-turn at the dead end, or stop and wait for others to make one out of it, or create your own new road…
…give yourself 5 minutes, to cry, to break down, to do whatever makes you feel better. Then get up on your feet, behold of yourself, and move on… life never stop for an incident, but that incident makes us walk a better, wiser road…
No tears, no sadness, just warmth, and calm…
…who are you?…softly, I asked…
… just a passer by, who shared the same feelings before…
I was confused…
…I just don’t want you to fall apart… like I did…
She was gone…
…wait…
Woke up, I sat in the bed…
At the corner, lied a black feather…
